Sandra Bullock and Chelsea Handler in the Shower

Hi, Sandy.

You know, actually, for friends and industry insiders, it's Sandy.

You might just want to call me Sandra.

Okay, well, you just told me to call you Sandy, so...

Okay, you know what? Don't worry about what I just said, okay?

What you need to worry about is pulling your s*** together with this fancy new stage that you have,

which I think is a sham.

Why is it a sham?

First of all, stop calling yourself the White Oprah.

I never called myself the White Oprah.

I was misquoted in Serbian Vogue.

Zip it and shut your face down. Shut it down. Clamp. Close it. Box it up. Stop.

You have a responsibility to be a respectable talk show host, okay?

This comes directly from Oprah's mouth to my ear, to my mouth, out of my mouth, into your ear, down your body,

out your vagina, up my vagina, and out my ass.

The overall theme of this message is that you are a huge disappointment.

Just because you're the only person on late-night television that has tiny little lady bits does not give you a free pass.

It's so tiny.

You have a responsibility to be a role model.

A role model to *********** and gay and questioning men, okay?

And you need to lay off the *****. Lay off the booze.

...